The 2010 Omnibus spending bill will cost America over 1 trillion dollars. The bill, almost 2000 pages long released only a few days before it was to be passed was filled with over 6,000 earmarks from both republicans and democrats. It is good to see our government taking care of the people in a time of economic crisis by spending taxpayer money for things like the Edward M. Kennedy institute for the Senate. They want “$19,000,000 to build an exact replica of the U.S. Senate chambers. The center will be a shrine to the senate”. Yes, they do need a shrine to themselves to show the taxpayers how high and mighty they are. I believe there is talk of next year a $37,000,000 earmark for a large bronze being built to honor the taxpayers. It will be a 34 foot tall statue of a homeless man and a stray dog pissing on him.

Here is another example of government spending. The new Presidential limousine will be pimped out to give a new, more hip look. In a newly released Wikileaks cable between the President and the armored limo builder, Obama said,

“I want something that is fresh with a touch of phat. I’d like some pimp horns so all them hos can spy my mad style in the capital hood. Oh, also could you add a small refrigerator for my Grey Poupon? Check you later and word up to your bitches homey dog”.

Some of the new features will include a top secret mind eraser which will make anyone within 500 feet of the limousine forget the promises he made. The suspension will be beefed up to carry the next Omnibus pork bill which will weigh a hefty 1200 lbs.

Some of the lesser heard about earmarks hidden in this bill are:

-23 million to study the physical stress on the human body while carrying the 2010 omnibus bill

-12 million to study if taxpayers will approve or disapprove of governments proposed 10.7 million 2011 bill that will study the affects of the 2010 12 million dollar study

-1.6 million in overtime wages for time spend by Senator Cochran to come up with the 230 something earmarks

-3.2 million for custom made rolls of toilet paper with images of low income people for the senate chambers bathrooms

-$855,000 for Uncle Wacky the clown to make balloon animals for senators during senate meeting recess

-253 million to FDA to make sure cigarettes stay on the market so millions can die a slow painful fucking death while filling the pockets of hospitals, doctors, tobacco companies and politicians with billions (a lot of people would be out of work if there wasn’t cancer)

• Herpe the love bug
• Wise guys, heh?
• I Love My Dog

Miley Cyrus, the pop sensation celebrated her 18th birthday with a bong hit of Salvia, one of the most potent hallucinogenic drugs out there. So, I guess this is her official way of starting her, “I am a bad girl now”.

Every Hollywood star seems they need to get rid of their little kid image. It seemed to have worked for Madonna and Britney Spears, so Miley might as well take the “I don’t need talent” path to fame the Hollywood way… “Post a video of me being bad, yeah!! Take that world!“

I find it funny that it was posted to website in an obvious desperate cry for attention. Hey, if Lindsey Lohan can stay famous for years by just being in and out of rehabs then I’m sure Miley can make a fortune. The question is what will she do next to get her self on top of the A-list? Maybe she can combine all the other stunts the Hollywood stars have done to get famous and get her self a job on American Idol. She can release a sex video, accidentally of course, and then beat one of the Skating with the Stars contestants with a pipe. She can complete it with not paying her taxes, get busted for an inside stock trading scandal and a nice 3-month stay in a rehab for Meth. If that doesn’t get her on top, maybe add in some dog fighting, department store theft and the almighty publicity stunt of getting out of your car wearing a skirt with nothing underneath. That should make up for the lack of talent.

The big question really is… what will Justin Bieber do to get rid of his little teenie-bopper image? I’m sure it will be something to do with his hair. He will have to do something extreme to erase people’s memories of his hair flipping toilet swirly haircut. I suggest a large dose of steroids, shave the head and star a goth band.

• Tubby you long time
• Lord of the Trees
• Herpe the love bug

The new reality show called “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” came on and I actually managed to sit through about 5 minutes before I turned the channel to ANYTHING but that. I would rather watch the “I fell down and can’t get up lady” over and over.

Let’s try to put this in perspective. Millions of people actually take time out of their lives to watch another family doing even more boring things than the people watching? First of all, they are famous for nothing. She was unsuccessful as a Mayor. Didn’t do anything as governor and then quit her job. Her daughter can’t dance and I’m not sure how she got on a show called ”Dancing with the Stars”. Note the last word ”STARS”. When did Bristol Palin become a star?

So, now they are getting rich by showing us how they can fish, ride in boats, beat up fish, ride goats or whatever else they are doing in Alaska. I would rather see a reality show that just focuses a camera on a fish tank full of tropical fish and every once in a while they throw some food in.

Is our society this bored that we have to watch other people doing things and we live our lives through them? I have an idea! Instead of watching other people let’s all go do things in real life. Watching an uneducated politician get rich for walking around in the Alaskan mud and snorting at her self brilliance is beyond comprehension.

Haven’t we had enough of the so called “stars” who have done nothing?

• Tubby you long time
• Wise guys, heh?
• New cigarette pack design

What is it with Justin Beiber’s hair? People all over the world are going crazy over his hair. If you minus the not so great singing and dancing ability and the fact that he doesn’t write his own music, you are left with his looks and his hair. What would happen if he cut it all off? I think that would be a deal breaker for 99.9% of his fans. It actually made it on the news when he got his hair cut just a little. Anyway since I am forced to have to look at his image every freakin place I go, I might as well have some fun with it!!

Let’s face it; his hair style is nothing new. This is right out of the 1960s and he can’t even pull it off as well as some of the stars back then.

Here is a 1960s photo of an actual talented star Donny Osmond. He made this hair style work 40 something years ago. Justin looks like the school bully put his head in the toilet and gave him a swirly. Does he even have ears? I bet he has no ears, hmm.

Just add some antennas and he would look like Kazoo from the Flintstones.

With a last name like Beiber how can we not throw in the real Beaver. Here’s another 1960s image of Beaver Cleaver …

He actually kind of looks cool with Justin’s hair.

===

There is nothing scarier than being trapped in a spaceship with millions of alien creatures that keep multiplying. No, I’m not talking about the movie Aliens, something even more horrible…

“The Trouble with Biebers“ – Oh, The Horror!!! They just keep multiplying and everywhere you look you keep seeing Justin Bieber’s hair.

….. For those too young to remember this episode or even know who this is besides the guy from Priceline.com, GOOGLE IT like you do everything else. (Hint: Tribbles)

===

I have to laugh at the blatant marketing greed with today’s stars. Justin hasn’t accomplished anything to make him worthy of such stardom except a viral Youtube video. I think his record company wants to suck every cent out of Justin’s fans before it’s all over.

It’s good to see he wrote a book already about his vast experience in life.

Maybe this should have been the cover:

I say golden years because, yeah all the girls scream over him now but what about in about 2 years? It’s like when you get a puppy and it’s so cute and until it grows up and becomes a stinky drooling poop machine that you have to take outside every 15 minutes.

So, enjoy him now because in a few years he will look like this…

For some reason I think puberty won’t be kind to him. It’s the way the Universe balances itself out.

===

So in the words of the mysterious time keeper of fame, Andy Warhol…..

“Your 15 Minutes are up!!! Oh, and by the way everyone else wants their 15 minutes of their life back!”

• Justin @ NAMBLA
• Wright Brothers
• Miley Cyrus starts her bad girl phase

We are in a new era where breaking the law, cheating on your spouse and online celebrity sex videos are not only the norm, but almost necessary if you plan to make it in Hollywood. Everyone is familiar with the Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton and hordes of other sex videos that were stolen and somehow found their way on to the Internet. Well, Barbie is no different. In an attempt to jump start the Christmas toy sales, Mattel Toys has joined the ranks of talented stars like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian (actually what did they do again to become stars? I forget.), by “accidentally” releasing a graphic action figure video.

Mattel’s Barbie Video Doll sex tape somehow has made its way mysteriously around the Internet. We talked to a representative at Mattel and they said it was stolen from their break room video player. The Sex Video is 2 minutes long and involves the Justin Bieber doll, old G.I. Joe and one of Barbie’s friends in a free for all toy orgy. The new Barbie Video Doll has a real video camera in her chest and a video monitor on her back and can record 30 minutes of video. It looks like the era of cute toys are out and the nasty toys are what’s hot this Christmas.

“It seems all the kids want to imitate the Hollywood stars. They are real role models for today’s kids”, explained a Toys”R”Us employee as he was stealing all the Treasure Hunt Hotwheels out of the box.

“Look at Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, who wouldn’t want their kids to grow up like them? The Barbie is getting old and she needs to have an edge if she wants to compete with other sexy toy dolls”, as he explained while holding a Barbie and stroking her hair in a way that made us slightly uncomfortable.

In a related story, The FBI has put out a warning that the video Barbie would be awesome for pedophiles to lure children. They said in a statement that so far they have not seen any cases of this happening but they just wanted to make sure everyone knew that you can use these to lure children easily.

In another related story, it seems for some odd reason adult men have been buying up all the Video Barbies since the announcement of the FBI warning of how super cool and awesome this toy would be to take advantage of children. We talked to the same Toys”R”Us employee about this and he told us…

“It seems a lot of older men are buying these up. I’m sure they are just collectors though.”, as he whispered sweet nothings to a Hello Kitty plush toy.

What will be the future of today’s children? With Hollywood stars like Hilton, Lohan, Kardashians being the people kid’s look up to most, we can expect a very unproductive future where most kids dream of being strippers and drug addicts instead of doctors and teachers.

What’s next for Mattel? How about “my lil’ pimp‘n ho” play set complete with leopard skin miniskirts, high heels, lipstick? Maybe it can come with optional jeweled pimp cup and smack yo’ ho cane.

• Goodbye Kitty
• Hollywood’s new craze
• Miley Cyrus starts her bad girl phase

The nominees for the 2011 Grammy Awards were announced and the question that everyone is wondering; what will Lady Gaga wear? We caught up with Lady Gaga at a rehearsal where she is already practicing for her appearance at the awards show. Everyone remembers the costume made out of raw meat, but this year at the 2011 Grammys she will wear what she states is her best designed costume to date. We got a sneak peek and we were surprised to see she was wearing live babies duct taped to her body.

In a short interview she told us, “This is my baby pirate costume I’ll be wearing. Aren’t they cute? I have been asking friends to let me use their babies and so far I have about 14, but I am only wearing 8 right now just to get the feel for the costume.”

We asked her if it was dangerous or if she had any safety concerns.

No, I am perfectly safe they are just babies and they don’t have teeth yet. I plan on wearing them for the next few weeks so I can get them used to it. They seem to cry a lot now for some reason. I’m very excited because this is something Madonna hasn’t done, so I kind of feel like I’ve done something original for once.

• Justin Bieber wasn’t nominated for a Grammy but his hair was. It seems people were so mesmerized by his hair that they never realized that he didn’t have much talent as a musician.

• Adam Lambert nominated for Best Male Pop Vocal Performance. He was very thankful and said, “I just wanted to let everyone know once more that I am gay. Not sure if you forgot but, yes I am gay. Ok, raise your hands who didn’t know I was gay. Ok, you with your hand up in the back row with the blue shirt, yep I’m gay. Anyone care to see me mouth kiss another man just to prove how truly fabulously gay I am? You sir, come on up and give me a big kiss. Anyone else? Anyone?”

• It should be another great moment in music history. All the record companies patting them selves on the back for all the stars they’ve created and made millions from. How many times can we actually watch Lady Gaga and all the other same musicians time after time? They really should have a category for music that’s actually written by the musician nominated.

• The AMA awards 2010
• Justin @ NAMBLA
• Miley Cyrus starts her bad girl phase

The battle continues over the U.S. military’s DADT act that makes openly gay soldiers ineligible to serve. Most politicians, high ranking military heads and pentagon leaders are confused of which side to take. It sounds like some are going both ways.

One U.S. military leader stationed in Iraq openly admits he is not for it but can make a compromise. He feels that some of the straight soldiers may loose focus on their mission if they are always wondering who is gay and who is straight. His idea would be to come up with different uniforms for the gay soldiers so there would be no question of their sexuality. After seeing one soldier in the new “alternative” uniform we were surprised at the bright pink and blue colors. We were especially alarmed by the fluorescent orange helmet. We asked Colonel Stewart if this would be a danger to the soldier, since it would be an easy target against the monotone colored dessert surroundings. He replied, ”No, I think it will actually have a calming effect on the enemy. That’s why we like to put the gay soldiers out in front of the platoon when going into dangerous areas”.

Colonel Stewart made no comment when we asked him why earlier this year he was trying to get congress to pass a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell law for soldiers who were African American, Asian or Mexican. This wasn’t about if you were gay but had to do with what nationality you were. We came to our own obvious conclusions when we saw the Colonel’s military Hummer with the rebel flag on back and the Nascar numbers sticker for Dale Earnhardt.

In the end, this reporter has to wonder why millions and millions of dollars are spent on a law that shouldn’t have ever been a thought to start with.

• Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
• New TSA airport policy
• San Francisco ban on Happy Meals

Sex, Drums & Rock’n'Roll
Travis Barker of the band Blink 182 has donated drum sets to New York schools in an Anti-Drug / Alcohol campaign with One Life, One Chance organization. There’s no better way to keep our kids off drugs and alcohol than by teaching them to play the drums so they can tour seedy bars and clubs filled with drugs and alcohol. This should make a big difference. Maybe he should hand out billy clubs to stop school bullying.

“If I’d saved 50 million children from some malady, people would not have the interest that they have in this.”

- Wow, Really? Yes, it is annoying to have a commercial louder than the show I am watching, but is she saying if people had a choice they would rather see 50,000 sick children than to have our TV commercials a few decibels louder? What an idiot! She must really think she really hit it big with this law. I’m sure everyone will start noticing what a real go-getter she is. Maybe she should sacrifice some children to the gods of stupid politicians.

• Miley Cyrus starts her bad girl phase
• News Highlights I
• Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

This horoscope is updated weekly so you can start your Monday off knowing if you should go to work or not!

• Horoscope November 22-28
• Horoscope November 15-21
• Prediction 2011

This is our Caption contest II from Unwinded.com. Rules are simple, just come up with a funny caption for the photo provided and you can win! The winning caption will be displayed on the Unwinded.com contest page with the winner’s name. You can only enter 2 captions for each week’s contest. There will be a new photo each week. The first week contest prize is only the honor of coming up with the best caption. We will eventually have prizes like t-shirts, bumper stickers, outdated VHS machines and even cash prizes. Keep checking back as we will also have a photoshop contest!

Good luck!

Please enter your caption in the comment form below (Message field). You can enter up to 2 captions (make it funny!). Winner’s name along with the caption will be announced on our website. Thanks! And happy captioning!

• Caption contest I
• Horoscope November 29-December 5
• Horoscope November 22-28