This horoscope is updated weekly so you can start your Monday off knowing if you should go to work or not!
Aries
March 21-April 19
After many years at your job you will finally put an end to the sexual harassment. Partly because you are just plain tired of it and also your boss says either stop it or you will be fired. Good news though, your lucky number is 17. Now go out and enjoy your week with your new number.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
People question why you always eat at the Chinese buffet, but you will show them when you master the Chinese language through fortune cookie messages. It’s too bad they don’t teach Chinese grammar as you will look pretty silly when you attend your first Harvard political debate completely in Chinese.
Gemini
May 21-June 21
Not a good week for you. Staying in your house and not answering the phone or the door until Friday will be just what you need. Pick up a new craft project like cutting out random letters from magazines and pasting them together to form mysterious messages. Sending them out randomly will also make it more fun. Go back to work Friday with cookies you formed, decorated and baked to look like each one of your fellow employees, should put a smile on their faces.
Cancer
June 22-July 22
4 out of 5 dentists recommended the toothpaste you didn’t buy. The one you and #5 chose is more like glue than paste. Trying using Morse code when you call 911 as it will be hard to understand you when you can’t open our mouth.
Lion
July 23-August 22
The planets play a big part this week for you. There is an inner struggle which will cause some difficulties. While your heart seems to match good with Venus your head is in Uranus. Take it out and do something productive.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
Making your own decisions from Wednesday until Sunday is not wise. I advise you to let everyone and everything make your own decisions for you. If you see a bus, get on it and it will take you somewhere. When you get off ask complete strangers for advice. If you feel the urge to do something then do the complete opposite and see where it leads. Monday and Tuesday are lucky days for you. Gamble as much as possible even if you have to remortgage your house.
Libra
September 23-October 23
You have a humorous side and always love to make people laugh. Swallowing Hotwheels toy cars will not make the TSA laugh as much as you thought. But on the bright side a free prostate exam in the airport is better than nothing since you have no health insurance.
Scorpio
October 24-November 21
Signs are all around you if you know how to read them. Strange bearded men holding a stuffed swordfish in a dark alley and wearing pink kitty cat slippers is a sign that you need to find a new place to hang out at 3 am. The sign on your bank door that says teller carries less than $100 is a sign you might want to find a new neighborhood to live in.
Sagittarius
November22-December 21
Just because your boss gave you the new responsibility of being in charge of the coffee pot when it is empty does not mean you can tell other employees they are worthless and if you don’t see some improvement they will have to be let go. On the plus side, your recent experience as a coffee barista will benefit you greatly when you apply for that new job at the truck stop café.
Capricorn
December 22-January 19
The planets and signs are hazy and confusing. To be on the safe side from this exact second do nothing for the next 7 days. Anything you do can result in a rip in the time space continuum. Watching Judge Judy is OK though.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
What goes around comes around. You find this out the hard way after you brag to the librarian about your new Kindle book reader and make fun of her “old antique fancy paper books”. Five minutes later you get a loud “HA!” and the middle finger from the 89 year old women when your battery dies.
Pisces
February 19-March 20
Believing in Santa Claus is fun kids. Why ruin it like you did last Easter when you cooked a rabbit for Easter dinner. Let things happen naturally. Let them ease into the news. Lighting a fire in the fireplace on Christmas Eve and leave some burnt boots on the floor will not win you any points with your kids.
