New TSA airport policy

It is almost unbelievable to think the TSA has the right to scan you with a full body scanner that emits ionizing radiation and sees right through your clothes. You can ”opt out” of the scanner but your only other choice is a molestation style pat down which involves searching every part of your body, but don’t worry they use the back of the hand and that somehow makes it feel like you haven’t been violated. Does anyone remember that the terrorists already hijacked the planes and ran them into buildings? Do you think they are going to try the same thing again? So, for some reason the only place you are going to get attacked is in an airplane, not a bus, train, football game, shopping mall or the other million places where people gather. People are easily controlled by fear.

So, a woman hesitant about having her young daughter scanned can easily be reassured by a TSA agent: “M’am if you want me to protect you from Al Qaeda, you are going to have to let me see your 9 year-old daughter naked or give her a thorough feeling up”. This is not far from the truth. Here’s a guide, in pictures, to your governments airport security.

Let’s start our adventure!

It all begins with extra long security lines, which are really fun to stand in after you woke up at 2:30 am so you can get to the airport before their suggested 4 hours before boarding. Don’t worry they will have some coffee at one of the airport restaurants if they are open yet, probably not. In the line you will be asked if you are carrying any dangerous liquids like water, juice or the very explosive baby formula. There have been some terrorists known to drown people with a bottle of Evian or even use the orange juice in the eye trick.

It’s finally your turn and agent who acts like you have already inconvenienced them by being in their line, will ask you to take out any objects, phones and your Constitutional Rights and place them in the tray.

After this you will move up to the X-ray Scanner ….

Here a TSA representative demonstrates how easy it is.

“You want to stand still in a submissive position with your hands up like a common criminal would when getting busted for drugs or something like that … don’t even worry about the radiation, you won’t even see it. When the x-ray scan is done, people you don’t know will be seeing the image of your naked body in another room. They will save that photo in the archive, in case later for some reason we want to look at it again (laughs), but don’t worry we won’t put it on facebook”

You’ll notice in the photo above, the man with AK-47 on right, being a foreigner he has more rights in your country than you do as American citizen and he can use the express line where he can check his own bags on the honor system. Possible he gets free cookies but that can’t be confirmed.

Is it coincidence or does the TSA agent look like Hitler? Add a Nazi party pin and an arm band and it’s just like 1940s Germany. Wow, you are learning history also!

Let’s move on to some of the scanners:

First we have the PORNscan 1000, one of the more popular models with TSA agents because of the newly added Facebook share button. It’s fun to share photos with your friends!! Notice the size of the share button. It’s made that way so when you see some really hot passenger… BAM!! You got them just in the right pose!

And for another popular model…

This one is great for the passenger who wants to feel like just maybe it isn’t a total violation of rights and turn it into something fun. People will come out of the this ionizing x-ray machine saying, “Dude, that was totally excellent!”, and air guitar to the ever so popular Wyld Stallyns solo riff!!! Dududuullulll waaa!!!! Now you are off on vacation to find some bodacious maidens. Be excellent and PARTY ON DUDES! (And try not to think of the guy in the backroom, who was just looking at your genitals)

Let’s move on…

The last model you will see is the Rapescan Scanner. A very simple no frills x-ray machine. The agents find creative ways to make it more fun. This TSA agent likes to use theatrical make-up to look exactly like Osama Bin Laden. People will get a kick out of it when they “opt out” of the scanner and go for the “extreme pat down” and think Osama Bin Laden himself is grabbing your junk and violating everything that you hold sacred.

Don’t think it’s all fun and games for the agents. Sometimes they have to take their work seriously.

What a cute little girl you’re probably thinking, but nothing is ever what it seems in airport security. The highly trained TSA agent quickly realizes a threat when she sees one.

Looks like this agent found one of those sneaky Chinese kung fu samurai ninjas. She instantly can tell by the red and black colors and the possible Asian face that there is a real threat to our country and way of life. The Chinese cartoon ”Pucca” character on her shirt was what gave her away, probably a gang symbol of some kind… Some of these criminals are smart, she tried to throw them off the trail with a toy rabbit when to an observant security agent they can easily see it as a weapon of mass destruction.

Let’s frisk her again until she cries and then throw her in the x-ray scanner a few more times. Seeing her naked may tell us what we are really dealing with here.

Let’s take a look at some other agents at work shall we.

This man is getting a secondary security check when the machine showed a possible threat. Almost like a drug sniffing dog, the agent quickly zeros in on the area that he thinks has some type of hidden object or weapon. Nice work Al, now go get yourself a Starbucks!
 

This passenger hasn’t been humiliated enough and still shows signs of “cockyness”, the agent says, “My probe shows we still have some backbone in this one.“, he yells to the other agent, “Let’s see him naked a few times and have Ed grab this guys balls thoroughly in front of the others in line… that should settle the other customers down some”.
 

Agents don’t have too much time for a social life. Their break room is there home away from home. Keep it up, John!
 

This is the signal given when a passenger needs to be taken in the break room for additional examining.

Well, that’s it. A nice adventure through your local airport is always fun. Next time you fly you’ll remember that everything doesn’t have to be looked at in a negative way. When you see an elderly woman in a wheel chair getting felt up or some children getting a little radiation and some harmless nude pics for the agents as souvenirs just keep in mind if we didn’t do this we could loose the war on terror.

Oh, yeah and remember…

The terror alert is now ORANGE which means………..