This horoscope is updated weekly so you can start your Monday off knowing if you should go to work or not!
Aries
March 21-April 19
Today will be a new awakening for you. For the first time you will think clearly and look at the world in a different way. You will notice things you never noticed before like pedestrians in cross walks, traffic signals, stop signs, and those little yellow lines on the road.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
You sense a health problem after you are continuously out of breath after only minutes of love making. Do not worry, it is nothing serious, you are just out of breathe from blowing up your inflatable girlfriend.
Gemini
May 21-June 21
Someone will make a good impression on you today… too bad it’s the impression of the swingline logo on your forehead after your boss hits you with a stapler.
Cancer
June 22-July 22
You never dreamt your new life and career would involve so much change, unfortunately mostly pennies and nickels given to you by complete strangers on the street.
Lion
July 23-August 22
After all those years of dreaming about working in the field of science comes true this week. Don’t worry after a few months you will get used to the burn of perfume that’s sprayed in your eyes.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
You will be very stressed out today from bills, work deadlines, car problems and the pressure of knowing that only you can prevent forest fires.
Libra
September 23-October 23
The planets have aligned so perfectly for you this week and made you irresistible to the opposite sex….. The planets are very disappointed in you when you blow it by bringing photos of your star wars collection on your first date.
Scorpio
October 24-November 21
Your coworkers will wonder about the lack of an explanation for your newly straightened hair, but explaining to them that a Brazilian blowout was not what you thought it was may be slightly embarrassing.
Sagittarius
November22-December 21
This week becomes not as fun as you thought it would be when you realize you are a figment of your own imagination.
Capricorn
December 22-January 19
Your dreams of going to college was a great idea. It’s too bad you only had those dreams when you fell asleep in high school. The planets suggest finding aluminum cans and cashing them in.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
You don’t have to understand a different language to know that when a Chinese man is yelling at you with a meat clever in his hand that there IS actually a limit at an all you can eat Chinese buffet.
Pisces
February 19-March 20
Being an animal lover makes you popular with your neighbors but be careful, sometimes they may go to the same restaurant as you. Seeing you and your cat having a candle light dinner together may get you kicked out of the annual PETA neighborhood fund raiser.
