Adopted by Catholic church
The Catholic church, in hopes of renewing their tarnished reputation, has adopted the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. Since the 1980′s the Catholic church has paid over 2 billion in compensation to victims of sexual abuse by over 4000 priests and deacons.
We were granted and exclusive interview with an Archbishop who preferred to remain nameless in fear of jeopardizing his part-time Christmas job as Santa Claus at a nearby Chicago shopping mall. When asked why they went to the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy, he replied,
In this economy everyone has to make some sacrifices and cut costs where you can. Two billion dollars that we had to pay out really cut into our funds for buying much needed items at the Vatican like priceless art, manuscripts, sculptures and those little wafer thingies… those really are pretty good tasting. So we thought we have to make some cut backs in the church. We decided to cut in half our yearly budget for paying families for some of the churches indiscretions without having to sacrifice our way of life. If we don’t ask our priests anything they don’t tell anything. The problem seems to solve itself at that point. We can proudly say there has been a 99.8% reduction in priests and deacons coming forward or telling us things we don’t want to hear.
We ask asked about the 0.2% and he has this to say, “Oh, ha ha, yeah old Rev. Antoni got a little drunk on the wine and kind of blurted out a few things at bingo night… I have to say we were a little upset. We were really looking to hit that 100% mark.“
